Finding Strength in Faith: My Journey to the Kingdomcity KL Conference 2026 (Final)

11th September 2026 (Friday)	After I bathed, Elizabeth woke up and prepared breakfast for me. She heated up the leftover lasagna and dim sum, cutting half the lasagna into pieces for me and saving the rest for herself. She arranged the lasagna pieces and dim sum with chili sauce on a plate and made me a warm cup of Milo. I ate my breakfast while she showered. Although the dim sum was quite hard—packed dense with meat—I finished every bite. She ate her breakfast after getting ready. Elizabeth suggested visiting the nearby mall before heading to the conference. We left around 10:30 a.m., and I mentioned that I wanted to reach the venue early by 12:00 noon when doors opened so we could secure good seats. The organizers were holding ministry time and opening the altar for anyone needing prayer. After taking the lift down to the carpark, we used the connecting walkway between the apartment complex and the mall. At the carpark walkway, I stopped and converted my rollator into a transit chair by flipping its narrow backrest over. I sat down and asked Elizabeth to push me. I wanted to avoid walking long distances and straining my legs; I needed to conserve my strength so I could stand and dance during worship for the remaining three sessions on Friday and the final session on Saturday. My heart's desire was to stand alongside everyone else for as long as possible, so I only sat on the chair when absolutely necessary. Elizabeth found it much easier to push me directly, as it saved me from overexerting myself. We bought two 1.5L bottles of mineral water and a few buns before heading back through the carpark. I bought four buns in total—two for dinner and two for breakfast the next morning (though I ended up eating a third bun for supper that night!). I reached the conference hall a few minutes after 12:00 noon. After placing my backpack on my seat and taking a brief rest, I walked straight to the front where the open altar ministry was taking place. I navigated my rollator through the crowd of people sitting, standing, chatting, and walking, collapsing the frame whenever the pathway became too narrow. People graciously made way for me. I joined the line waiting for prayer. Many pastors were giving their time to listen attentively and stand in the gap for people's needs. After waiting a while, I flipped my rollator seat around to sit and wait patiently for my turn. I initially regretted not typing out my prayer request in advance on my phone, but the pastor seemed to understand me perfectly as I spoke slowly and clearly. In hindsight, typing it out wouldn't have captured everything anyway, as key prayer points came to my mind right while standing there. Now, I have a clear picture of what I am truly believing and praying for. Previously, I couldn't articulate my needs specifically because so many areas of my life felt overwhelmed. Many of the simple things I wish for are things most people possess and take for granted. After receiving prayer, I returned to my seat to rest before the 1:00 p.m. service began. A woman sitting in front of me—who was caring for her elderly mother in a wheelchair—turned around to tell me how inspired she was by my independence and passion for the Lord. Her daughter was also there helping care for her grandmother. I was touched when she asked for permission to pray over me as well. A brother sitting a couple of seats to my right kindly offered to refill my water bottle whenever he went to refill his own. Throughout the day, I saw our Penang church members walking past my section, and we warmly greeted one another. During one of the sessions, several Penang members sat together right in the row behind me, which brought me so much joy. During the short break between the day's early sessions, I noticed several missed calls from my mother. I called her back, but it was difficult to converse as the next service was starting. She was still at my house because my brother hadn't picked her up yet. I tried ordering food delivery for her—even though she insisted she was fine—but my mobile data was extremely slow inside the hall. After two or three failed attempts, I slipped my phone back into my backpack, stood up, and rejoined the congregation in worship. I didn't check my phone again until I stepped out of the accessible restroom after the session ended. There were over ten missed calls from my mother. I felt a sudden surge of shock and frustration that she kept calling repeatedly while I was trying to focus on spending dedicated time with God. When I called her back, she sounded disoriented and anxious about what to pack for her stay at my brother's house. I messaged my brother to clarify when he would pick her up. Since he was only coming at 7:00 p.m. after work (an hour and a half later), I ordered food for my mother immediately so she wouldn't stay hungry. I hoped she had at least eaten some biscuits, oats, or instant noodles from our pantry. I realized I should have clarified with my brother when he texted on Thursday morning saying he would pick her up on "Friday for lunch"—I should have asked whether he was taking leave or if he meant dinner, so I could have arranged lunch for her earlier, just as I had done the day before. I ate an early dinner before re-entering the main hall. I was able to enter right when doors opened at 6:00 p.m., as the venue team permitted participants with mobility impairments and their assistants to enter first. Countless people had been queuing outside long before each session, rushing in as soon as doors opened to secure seats, even though services were still half an hour away. After the 6th session concluded, the entire Penang team gathered at the lobby near the Lost and Found counter for group photos and videos with our state and national flags. Groups from other regions and countries were doing the same. I wasn't sure if everyone from our delegate list made it, as parents had to trek to the opposite building to pick up their children from the Kids Conference, and several members were volunteering there as well. Once photos were done, we headed back.
12th September 2026 (Saturday)	We woke up early to pack, eat breakfast, and check out. The final conference session—the only one scheduled for the last day—was set for 11:00 a.m. to 1:00 p.m., allowing participants to travel home immediately after lunch. Checking out required extra coordination: we needed to place the house key and access card back inside the lockbox, lock the owner's mailbox, take confirmation photos, and send them to the host as proof. Lift traffic was heavy with residents and conference attendees. Every time we entered the lift, we met fellow Kingdomcity members. To get to Level 4 carpark, we had to board lifts going up first, because descending lifts were completely packed by the time they reached our floor—a real challenge given our luggage and my rollator! When the lift reached Level 4, we missed our window to exit, so we had to ride it all the way down to the ground floor and back up again. When Elizabeth stepped out at Level 4, an impulsive thought struck me: instead of following her to the car, I decided to take the lift back down to the ground floor and wait for her there. Elizabeth was surprised by my sudden plan, but I rode the lift down, letting it transport other passengers along the way. While waiting on the ground floor, I browsed the convenience store for lunch options. Once again, I bought two Quick Bites Cream Rolls (which I ended up eating on the bus before our 3:00 p.m. departure). Sadly, because of my lingering cough, I couldn't treat myself to junk food or cold drinks. I sat in the waiting area near the mailboxes, and Elizabeth met me a few minutes later. Together, we safely deposited the key and access card and headed to the convention centre. At the venue, we asked a RELA officer for permission to park close to the hall. He kindly moved the traffic barriers so we could pull into an open space right near the building. Elizabeth helped load my luggage onto our designated Penang charter bus, which had arrived early at 10:00 a.m. for luggage storage. She then returned to her car, and we entered the main hall together through an accessible side entrance. My seat was located right near that side exit. I thanked Elizabeth deeply for everything over the past three days. Saying goodbye felt bittersweet—she even asked if I could stay one more day to attend the Sunday service in KL before returning to Penang. I apologized that I couldn't, as much as I would have loved to, since my bus transport was already fixed. She came to find me one last time after the service ended, accompanied me to the accessible restroom, and handed me over safely to Auntie Gullie, who walked with me to the bus. All seven sessions of the conference were deeply empowering. The pastors and leaders delivered powerful, awakening messages. I had initially worried I wouldn't fully grasp the native English-speaking preachers—especially when point delivery was mixed with fast-paced humor, given that my English listening and speaking skills are my weaker language areas compared to reading and writing. I had brought earphones as a backup to listen to the Bahasa Indonesia live translation stream, but to my delight, I understood every sermon clearly without help! My English comprehension had clearly improved. I was sad that I had briefly fallen asleep during the 6th session sermon the previous night. The preacher and message were incredible, but physical exhaustion had caught up with me. Thankfully, that same pastor preached again during the final Saturday session! The presence of God was so tangible and intense during that final service that I couldn't stop praying in tongues. I found myself speaking boldly in the Spirit like never before. Every year at the conference, Kingdomcity launches its upcoming Greenhouse courses and announces the location for the following year's gathering. Before arriving this year, I had privately told myself that this would be my last time attending—that the physical hassle and logistics for myself and those helping me were simply too great. But being there changed everything. My heart immediately looked forward to the next gathering, and I registered for the 2027 Kingdomcity Conference that very Sunday at the special conference rate. I no fear long travel days on our church-booked buses because our community is so supportive. Having traveled extensively during my university days at USM and my early career years, I am accustomed to long journeys, and I thank God for giving me physical bladder control during hours of road travel. I am so grateful to everyone on our Penang bus, especially those who offered physical assistance along the way. Special thanks go to Vanessa, who sat beside me during both legs of the journey. She even accompanied me in a Grab ride all the way to my doorstep before heading to her own house. When I posted in our bus WhatsApp group on Friday evening asking if anyone wanted to share a Grab from e-Gate on our return, she immediately agreed. I had been worried about arriving late at night and causing my mother distress over me taking a Grab alone with heavy luggage in the dark.
13th September 2026 (Sunday)	The conference was transformative, and we all returned home carrying a fresh spiritual fire. The very next day, I attended both the 10:00 a.m. and 5:00 p.m. services at our Penang campus. Both services were preached by a visiting pastor who had traveled straight from the KL conference to Penang before flying back to his home country. I didn't want to miss a single opportunity to hear the Word while the fire was burning brightly within me. During his sermon, I was deeply moved and re-convicted of my calling to keep writing and sharing my life stories. He reminded us that our testimonies are powerful when we share our scars rather than trying to hide them—because our scars demonstrate the healing power and grace of God.

Finding Strength in Faith: My Journey to the Kingdomcity KL Conference 2026 (Part III)

9th September 2026 (Wednesday)	My three-day leave began. However, I visited the USM medical center (Pusat Sejahtera) because my cough had worsened. The doctor mentioned that seasonal haze was causing respiratory issues—I realized my throat had started feeling bad after a walk at the USM stadium the previous Friday. The doctor issued a two-day medical certificate (MC) for a swollen throat and heavy phlegm. I informed my boss, clarifying that I still intended to attend the conference as planned. At home, my mum’s state of mind grew increasingly disorganized when she realized I was leaving. She kept asking about her daily medication, despite the clear Chinese labels ("Morning" and "Night") I had placed on her pill packets. She expressed fear about being alone and disappointment that she couldn’t come along. (She suffers from severe motion sickness, so traveling long distances wasn't an option for her.) What enemy scheme was trying to stop me from attending the conference and spending three days with God? At one point, overwhelmed by stress, I had an emotional breakdown and cried, offering to cancel my trip to stay with her. Surprisingly, after my outburst, my mum calmed down and became much more supportive. She helped fold my clothes and pack my bag. Before leaving, I wanted someone to pray over my mum. May offered to lead a prayer when she arrived. We invited my mum into May's car, where May prayed in English for her peace of mind, safety, and routine while I was away. After the prayer, May walked my mum safely back to the lift. A wave of relief washed over me as we drove away. I fully surrendered my mum into God's hands. When we arrived at May's house, I realized I had forgotten to pack sleepwear. Fortunately, I had packed pants with elastic waistbands. May kindly lent me a round-neck t-shirt for the trip. After a lovely home-cooked dinner prepared by May’s auntie, I got a restful night's sleep.
10th September 2026 (Thursday) 00:00 – 17:00	I woke up at 3:15 a.m., an hour before my alarm. Unable to fall back asleep, I lay in bed reviewing WhatsApp updates and praying. Around 5:00 a.m., May brought me two Quick Bites cream rolls and helped me administer my cough syrup. John drove me to Dewan Sri Pinang, where many Kingdomcity members were already gathering. Our chartered bus departed promptly at 6:00 a.m. after an opening prayer. We picked up members on the mainland before heading straight to SCCC, stopping only for toilet breaks. The bus leaders provided bread and mineral water, and we arrived safely at the venue just before the 1:00 p.m. opening session. I placed my luggage and carry bag on the seat of my four-wheeled rollator and pushed it along without much difficulty. Candy, one of our members, guided me from the drop-off point to the registration area to collect my wristband for the conference—which I should have collected earlier at our hub. I waited outside while Candy went in to pick it up using my phone number. After helping me put on the wristband, Candy explained that she had to leave me, as her two teenage sons needed her as well. The venue was packed, with around 12,000 registered participants, including roughly 1,000 children aged 2 to 12. The Kids Conference was held in a separate building, a long walk from Main Halls 1 and 2. There was also a dedicated auditorium for parents with children under two, featuring a live stream of the main hall proceedings. I was completely fine being on my own at the venue. In fact, that was what I wanted, especially since I had attended the past two years. I walked to the main entrance, where a volunteer usher welcomed and escorted me inside toward the designated seats on the left, somewhere in the middle of the hall. One or two seats in those rows were reserved for OKUs (persons with disabilities). Along the way, I was handed off from one usher to another, as they were assigned to specific sections of the massive hall. I felt a bit disappointed when I wasn't allowed to sit farther toward the front, even when I arrived early the next day. However, I learned that OKUs were advised to sit there because of its proximity to the exit, which was crucial for emergency safety. During the short break between the first two sessions, I ate my second Quick Bites Cream Roll, which Mei had bought for me while I stayed in my seat. I was sad that I couldn’t enjoy any cold, refreshing drinks sold at the venue because of my cough. How nice it would have been to have a cold drink, especially after all the rushing around! However, my health had to come first—especially since I was outstation and wanted to be physically capable of worshipping the Lord. I was completely comfortable sitting among people who were not from Penang and whom I didn't know. Though we were strangers—perhaps even from different countries—we shared a sense of love, humanity, and the same Kingdomcity culture.
10th September 2026 (Thursday) 17:00 – 18:30	Elizabeth and I first met at the Lost and Found counter beside the main entrance of the hall. She had been walking up and down searching for me earlier without success until we finally spotted each other at the counter. We agreed that the counter would be our designated meeting spot after the last session for the next two days. I didn't want to cling to her for the entire day, as I wanted her to have time to connect with her own friends. She guided me out to the roadside where RELA officers were stationed, and I waited there while she went to take her car. We planned to go to our booked apartment to check in during the one-hour window before the third session started at 6:30 p.m.  When we reached the apartment building, we struggled to figure out the check-in procedure and where to park. Elizabeth went to retrieve the key from the owner's mailbox while I sat in the car waiting for her. After opening the mailbox, she found a small steel lockbox inside. Having no idea what the passcode combination was, she brought the lockbox back to the car. We called Auntie Gullie to help us contact the owner. It was completely different from checking into a standard hotel. I realized then that I shouldn't have taken things for granted. Auntie Gullie had actually forwarded all the check-in guidelines to me while we were on the bus, but I had only glanced at the PDF and forwarded it to Elizabeth, expecting her to handle everything. I had forgotten how Auntie Eileen and I checked in when we shared a studio two years ago; back then, Auntie Eileen and I moved around using Grab, and I handled all the ride bookings. (In truth, I should probably address Elizabeth as "Auntie" as well, since she is about the same age as Auntie Gullie and Auntie Eileen!) I looked closely at the PDF instructions again and noticed a second 4-digit code after the first one failed. Elizabeth turned the combination dial digit by digit to match the new code, and the box finally unlocked! She retrieved the single key and access card before returning the lockbox to the owner's mailbox. Next, we had to drive around searching for the specific parking spot shown in the PDF diagrams. It was very confusing for first-time visitors like us to locate the right lot. After asking a security guard stationed at the entrance of a multi-level carpark, we learned our spot wasn't in the building—it was in the adjacent building next door. Once parked, we took the lift up and finally located our unit. I thanked God that I wasn't staying there alone; it would have been nearly impossible for me to operate the grill door's manual lock on my own from the outside. After resting for less than ten minutes, we had to hurry back to the Convention Centre. We were already running late, as the third session started promptly at 6:30 p.m., leaving us no time for dinner. I ate my last Quick Bites Cream Roll in the passenger seat while Elizabeth drove. I finished eating right as she dropped me off at the entrance before going off to park.
10th September 2026 (Thursday) 18:30 – 23:59	I walked as fast as I could into the hall just as the session began. An usher escorted me to an empty designated seat, and I joined the congregation in worship. I was so grateful I attended that third session. I had almost talked myself into skipping it while at the apartment because I felt so tired, and I had even considered asking Elizabeth if she wanted to skip it too. Thankfully, I kept that thought to myself. After the session ended, we bought lasagna and dim sum to bring back. They were selling lasagna and various other food items on a "Buy 1 Free 1" promotion at the end of the night. Back at the apartment, I had lasagna for supper before taking my medication. Elizabeth kindly helped administer my cough syrup—once before I slept and once again after breakfast the next morning.

To be continued tomorrow October 7th (Wednesday) at 8.00a.m.

Finding Strength in Faith: My Journey to the Kingdomcity KL Conference 2026 (Part II)

1st September 2026 (Tuesday)	At my office workstation, I drafted an appeal on a Word document to broadcast to all the Kingdomcity WhatsApp groups I was in. I introduced myself as someone who walks with a 4-wheeled rollator and shared my uncertainty about being able to attend the 3-day conference starting the following Thursday, 10th September. I wrote that I wasn't sure what God's plan was, but I asked if any female participant had a vacant bed for two nights and was willing to be my roommate and assistant. Alternatively, if anyone needed transportation to SCCC and wanted to have my bus ticket because they missed the booking deadline, they could contact me. I planned to bless someone with my ticket if I couldn't go. I also sent the message to several church friends and asked them to forward it along with my contact details.
2nd September 2026 (Wednesday)	No one reached out about the bus ticket. A few people mentioned potential accommodation, but nothing was confirmed, especially with an expected turnout of 15,000 people. Around 10:00 a.m., Aunty Gullie, who was also taking the chartered bus, offered to help me secure a double bed studio at Trefoil Setia Alam. I had stayed in that complex with another church member two years prior; it was just a 10-minute walk from SCCC. I began to believe that God really wanted me to be at the conference. However, I still needed a plan for the night before our departure (9th September), as our bus was leaving early in the morning at 6:00 a.m. from Dewan Sri Pinang. I didn't want to disturb my mum in the middle of the night to help me get ready and walk me down to wait for a Grab, as it might confuse her. (For days, she kept asking if I was staying overnight at church again.) I was also worried my protective mum wouldn't let me take a Grab alone so early, which might force me to cancel at the last minute. On 4th September, I messaged my brother to let him know I would be in KL from the 9th to the 12th, but mentioned I could still order brunch and dinner for our mum via GrabFood or Foodpanda. He replied that he would take mum out for dinner on Friday and bring her to his house. Knowing there would be a "Carrier Night" the evening before the conference, I initially assumed it would be held at our local hub, so I booked a twin room at the Red Rock Hotel for the 9th September. Later, I learned Carrier Night would only be live-streamed from KL, as many leaders were already there. Even so, I was fine with the hotel booking since I was familiar with Red Rock and visited it weekly for church services. By 9:00 p.m., Aunty Gullie successfully secured the double bed Trefoil studio for RM340 for two nights. She assured me she would be there to help me check in.
6th September 2026 (Sunday)	I still hadn't received any offers for a roommate or assistant in Setia Alam, nor had I asked anyone to share my room at Red Rock Hotel on Wednesday night. I reasoned that if I stayed at Red Rock alone, it would serve as a test run before staying alone at Setia Alam—a completely new experience for me. At the same time, the thought scared me. Because of my moderate Cerebral Palsy, I require assistance with certain daily activities. I began overthinking every detail: What daily tasks can I manage alone? What should I avoid? How do I move safely in an unfamiliar environment? What if I trip or get stuck while rushing to check out and catch the bus? “God,” I prayed, “Who are You assigning to be my assistant and roommate this time? Are You trying to build my confidence to stay out on my own?” After the 5:00 p.m. service, I remained in my seat, wondering if I should ask someone to pray for me. I saw Brother JJ praying for people at the front. After a while, I got up and walked toward the door. But before asking someone to help me step down from the hall, I turned around, walked to the front, and sat down to wait for JJ to finish. When he was free, I shared my situation and prayer requests. Because of my speech impairment, JJ asked Kevin and Joel to join him so they could listen closely and understand. I asked them to pray for four things: That God would provide a roommate and assistant for my time in KL For someone to stay with me at Red Rock Hotel For my mum’s safety and peace of mind as she would be home alone For my health, as I had developed a dry throat and cough since Saturday, which often leads to mild breathing difficulties The three of them stood around me, took turns praying, and anointed me with oil. I felt so deeply cared for. Even though they were men, they understood my practical needs and worried for my safety due to my physical limitations. When I wondered aloud if I was really meant to go, they strongly affirmed that God wanted me at the conference. Their encouragement gave me renewed confidence. When I was having dinner at home, I reminded my mum that I would be leaving for KL in a few days. I had told her weeks before, but her short-term memory is very poor due to dementia. Everyday, she asks me what day it is dozens of times a day, alongside repeating fixed fears and beliefs. To minimize her anxiety, I decided to only remind her as the date drew near.
7th September 2026 (Monday)	I posted in the WhatsApp group for bus passengers, asking if any female participant wanted to share my room at Red Rock Hotel on Wednesday night and if anyone could give me a ride from the hotel to Dewan Sri Pinang on Thursday morning. No one replied. The next day after 2:00 p.m., Shirley, one of the bus leaders, messaged me privately to say everyone was taking individual Grabs to Sri Pinang and suggested I schedule an advance booking. Gathering my courage, I booked my first advance Grab ride—even though it cost significantly more than a normal ride—for the short trip to the departure point.
8th September 2026 (Tuesday)	I woke up around 5:00 a.m. After freshening up, I sat at my laptop and said a simple prayer. At 5:40 a.m., twenty minutes before our weekly Kingdomcity Asia Revival Zoom Prayer Meeting, I drafted a message seeking a roommate and assistant. I began by apologizing for posting a personal request in the meeting chat, though the conference was the main prayer focus of the morning. I briefly introduced myself as someone who walks with a 4-wheel rollator and invited any willing sister to join me. Words flowed onto the screen effortlessly—an answer to Brother JJ’s prayer for God to give me the right words. I posted the message twice in the Zoom chat. With over 1,000 participants sending rapid chat messages, text scrolled off the screen quickly, but I trusted the right person would see it. After the meeting, as I prepared for work, an Indian woman named Anne came to mind. I knew Anne through my university friend, Kak Jameyah, who had introduced us when Anne organized a fashion event for persons with disabilities in Penang back in 2022 or 2023. We had reconnected at the 2024 Kingdomcity Conference and realized we attended the same church. Once I arrived at my office, I felt prompted to text Anne to see if she was attending the conference and available to stay with me. Anne replied that she was only attending the first day and couldn't stay over, but she offered to ask a friend from the KL prayer team. Within 40 minutes, Anne brought good news: her friend Elizabeth was available! Anne created a group chat to introduce Elizabeth and me. God had provided my assistant for the year. The only remaining issue was my stay at Red Rock Hotel on the 9th. Around 11:30 a.m., I texted May to ask if she was in Penang and wanted to stay with me at the hotel. At 4:00 p.m., May replied and invited me to stay at her house instead! She offered to pick me up after work, have dinner together, and have her son John drive me to Dewan Sri Pinang the next morning. She advised me to forfeit the hotel booking (around RM140 including tax). At first, I was reluctant to change my plans. Since I had booked the room last Thursday, I planned to check in as early as possible—from 2:00 p.m.—to enjoy some me-time. I pictured getting snacks from the convenience store on the ground floor, ordering my favorite food via Grab, and eating my snacks while relaxing on the bed. After thinking it over, I agreed with Mei. I canceled the advance Grab ride from Red Rock Hotel to Dewan Sri Pinang that I had booked two hours earlier. I then WhatsApped my hotel booking ticket to Jumie, asking if she wanted to stay there or pass it along to anyone who might. I told her to just forget about it if no one was available. Late that night, she messaged to let me know the ticket had been given to someone who was taking leave on Thursday. In a single day, following the 6:00 a.m. prayer meeting, every single logistical need was met.

To be continued tomorrow October 6th (Tuesday) at 8.00a.m.

Finding Strength in Faith: My Journey to the Kingdomcity KL Conference 2026 (Part I)

13th September 2025 (Saturday)	May was sitting beside me inside Halls 1 & 2 of the Setia City Convention Centre (SCCC), together with thousands of people worshipping God and encountering His presence. May had been with me for the past three days. She and her son, John, picked me up from my apartment at Jelutong, Penang Island, on Thursday at 9:30 a.m. and drove straight to KL for the Kingdomcity Conference 2025, where the very first session began at 1:00 p.m. John picked us up after the third session ended past 9:00 p.m. We dropped John off at their apartment before heading to the Courtyard Hotel, where we stayed for two nights—thanks to May’s client, who sponsored our stay. It was the final session of the conference, scheduled to end at 1:00 p.m., and I was set to travel back to Penang at 3:00 p.m. with a group from Kingdomcity Penang on a chartered bus. May mentioned that she had already registered for the Kingdomcity Conference 2026 and encouraged me to register as well. She expressed her happiness and willingness to stay with me and be my helper again for the next conference. I registered by 11:59 p.m. on 14th September 2025 at the Special Conference fee of RM80.00. The fee would increase to the super early bird rate of RM120.00 starting 15th September. I felt deeply relieved and thankful to be registered for our annual conference, knowing I had a helper and roommate lined up a full year in advance.
1st May 2026 (Friday)	Kingdomcity Penang held our Northern Family Camp at our hub on Level 1 of the Red Rock Hotel, starting with a Hollywood Theme Dinner on Thursday, 30th April, at 6:00 p.m. and running until 12:00 noon on 2nd May. I booked a room at the Red Rock Hotel and was delighted when May accepted my invitation to stay with me for the two nights despite her heavy workload. During our conversation, she brought up the upcoming conference, mentioning that she hadn't booked our accommodation yet but would do so soon.
31st July 2026 (Friday)	I sent May a WhatsApp message asking if she had booked our accommodation for the conference, which was scheduled on the second week of September. I also asked if I could travel to KL and back with her. She replied that she would get back to me over the weekend because she was busy with work. However, I didn't receive any further update. I stayed relaxed, thinking she was simply caught up with work and had forgotten to reply. After all, there was still a month and a half to go. Soon, I forgot about it too, immersed in my own work responsibilities and caring for my mum.
18th August 2026 (Tuesday)	I sent May another WhatsApp message letting her know that I had reserved a seat on the bus chartered by Kingdomcity Penang to travel directly between Penang and SCCC. My message went unanswered.
26th August 2026 (Wednesday)	After work, I took a Grab to church for our Global Prayer Night starting at 7:30 p.m. It was also the first day of our 10-day prayer and fasting leading up to the KL Conference 2026 (scheduled on 10th–12th September). I bought a chocolate Quick Bites cream roll and a can of Milo from the convenience store on the ground floor of the Red Rock Hotel before going up to the first floor where our church is located. While having a light dinner in the church pantry, Philo, who was eating a simple meal, asked about my plans for the conference. She reminded me it was just two weeks away and advised me to call May directly instead of relying on text messages to confirm our accommodation.
27th August 2026 (Thursday)	I sent May a friendly greeting on WhatsApp, hoping to hear from her. A couple of hours later, she replied that she had been extremely tied up with work over the past few months and promised to give me an update by the end of the week.
30th August 2026 (Sunday)	I took a Grab to church around 2:00 p.m. Along with my regular lunch bag, I brought a backpack containing a jacket, a Greenhouse t-shirt, long pants, and my travel toiletry kit. I planned to stay at church for the entire 24-hour prayer challenge, which was set to begin at 7:00 p.m., right after the 5:00 p.m. service. When the 3:00 p.m. Mandarin service ended, I went down to the convenience store to buy two Quick Bites cream rolls and two cans of Milo—one set for dinner and the other for breakfast the next day. While waiting in the room for the prayer challenge to start, I checked my phone and saw a new message from May. Hearing that she wouldn't be attending the conference was heartbreaking. Disappointment washed over me and unpleasant thoughts began filling my mind. I worried I won't be able to join the 500+ people from Kingdomcity Penang heading to KL. I hated the thought of missing my one annual trip out of Penang Island—my chance to take a break from home and the daily strain of managing my mum's dementia and her persistent fears. Part of me felt like rebelling by skipping church for the next week or two just to hide my disappointment and avoid hearing everyone else’s excitement. I quickly caught myself. No, I will not act childishly. I loved my church family and didn't want to miss Sunday services. I began trying to figure out how to find an assistant cum roommate on such short notice so I could still go. I tried to stay calm and focused on prayer, determined to stick to my plan of spending the next 24 hours at church. I hoped my body would hold up through the overnight prayer, especially since I was on my period and maintaining a simple fast of two light meals a day. I was relieved that it arrived on time so I wouldn’t have to deal with it during Conference week, when using unfamiliar bathroom facilities would be much harder. Still, when it started on Saturday morning, I wondered why it couldn't have waited until right after the 10-day fast, or at least until after this 24-hour prayer challenge. Fortunately, the flow had slowed down by the time the prayer challenge began. I still held on to the hope that a miracle might happen.
31st August 2026 (Monday)	I stayed in the prayer room until 3:00 a.m., although I fell asleep a few times. On the night of the 30th, I took only one of my two anti-depression medications, skipping the one that usually makes me drowsy so I could stay awake for prayer. (I never skip my medication unless it's for something like this or an urgent work deadline.) Later, I went to the Family Worship Auditorium to sleep on the carpeted floor. Before sleeping, I typed out a message and sent it to two or three Kingdomcity WhatsApp groups, explaining that my assistant was unable to attend and asking if anyone had a spare bed and was willing to assist me. I woke up around 6:00 a.m. and lay there for a while before returning to the prayer room, sitting through the 5:00 to 7:00 a.m. session. Afterward, I asked Philo, who was also staying at church for the full 24 hours, to accompany me to the female washroom to freshen up and change. Around noon, I took another hour or two of rest in the auditorium before returning to the prayer room until the event concluded at 7:00 p.m. By the end of the day, I still hadn't received any responses to my message.

To be continued tomorrow October 5th (Monday) at 8.00a.m.

Navigating Accessibility and Routine: How I Solved My Mum’s Medication Dilemma

On Monday, 10th August 2026, right after I booked a Grab ride home from work, I suddenly remembered that I needed to drop by Jelutong Fung Pharmacy to buy a box of hair dye for my mum.

I quickly sent a WhatsApp message to the pharmacy owner to check if it was in stock. Since she didn't reply right away and my Grab was already approaching the office, I cancelled the booking, incurring a RM3 cancellation fee.

A few minutes later, the owner replied saying they were out of stock. When I asked when the next batch would arrive, only then did she drop a surprising piece of news: the pharmacy was closing down by the end of the week. I immediately followed up about my mum’s regular medications, which were due to be bought at the end of August. My mum had been getting her prescriptions from this pharmacy for the past twenty years—it was originally run by the owner's mother before being handed down to her a few years ago.

Because it became difficult for my mum to get the medications herself, I took over purchasing her medications a year or two ago. My usual routine was simple: before my workday ended, I would WhatsApp the owner and pay her via Touch 'n Go. On my way home, I would stop by the pharmacy, call her as I approached, and either she or her staff would hand the medication to me through the car window so I didn't have to step out.

With the shop closing, I began worrying about how to handle this in the future. Could I manage to keep buying them myself, or would my brother need to take over this responsibility alongside getting our mum’s dementia medication from a clinic on the mainland?

My initial plan was to check the pharmacy located inside Red Rock Hotel, where my church is. I wanted to see if they carried all four of my mum’s medications in the exact same dosages. If they didn't—or weren't willing to order them specially for me—only then would I look for backup options around USM or Jelutong. Whatever the location, it needed to be accessible: somewhere I could easily get off a Grab ride and navigate using my four-wheeled rollator, with staff willing to lend a hand at the door if needed.

My another worry was communicating with people who had never met me before. On top of my involuntary physical movements, I wondered: Would they understand my speech? Would I be accepted and treated well as an adult customer? I reassured myself that I was bringing in regular business—my mum’s four medications cost over RM300 bimonthly.

On Sunday, 16th August 2026, I arrived at Red Rock Hotel around 2:15 p.m. To my relief, the pharmacy's glass entrance doors were wide open and welcoming. I walked straight in without having to struggle with the door or wait for someone to notice me.

A pharmacist wearing a white coat came over to assist me. At the end of the long counter, there were two lowered seats designed for customer consultations. After sitting down, I took out a printed A4 paper I had prepared on Friday evening. It had a copy of my mum’s previous receipt showing the four medications and dosages, along with a few questions I wanted to ask.

Thank God, they had every single medicine in the exact dosage required! The pharmacist was extremely friendly and understood my speech without any trouble. She even helped me download and register for the Caring Pharmacy membership app on my phone. Along with the standard register receipt, she gave me an A4 tax receipt. (In the past, I had to get assistance to tape small receipts onto paper before scanning them into my PC, so this was a great bonus.) Once I verified everything and paid, I handed her my lunch box bag, and she neatly packed the medicines inside for me.

Feeling accomplished, I walked over to the lift and went up to Level 1 for my church services at Kingdomcity—attending the 3:00 p.m. Mandarin service followed by the 5:00 p.m. English service—before taking a Grab home.

I am so relieved. From now on, I can easily buy my mum’s medications whenever I go to church. I don't have to worry about venturing into unfamiliar pharmacies, nor do I need to make extra Grab stops on my commute home. What felt like a daunting hurdle turned out to be a smooth, comfortable step forward.

Stay Fit & Healthy IPSC: Virtual Run & Walk 2026

On 29th June 2026, I saw the poster posted in our official IPSC WhatsApp group. IPSC was holding another sustainability program specifically for our office, titled ‘Stay Fit & Healthy IPSC - Virtual Run & Walk 2026.’ This was the very first time our office had organized such an event. The cumulative distance we walked or ran, along with our total step count, would be recorded starting from 6:00 a.m. on June 30th to 6:00 p.m. on July 15th.

Immediately, I messaged the group to sign up for Category A, which required completing at least 5 km or 7,500 steps (Category B required 10 km or 15,000 steps). I playfully made a fuss in our WhatsApp chat, hoping to motivate all my colleagues to participate. I wanted them to think: If I can take part despite my mobility challenges, how could they not join? I mentioned having walked two laps at the USM Stadium a few years ago, and when I asked about the distance, a colleague chimed in that one lap was roughly 500 meters. Soon after, our office director, Prof. Saidatulakmal, and deputy director, Dr. Asniza, both sent warm messages of encouragement.

That evening, I searched for my new portable travel shoe bag—which I had bought a couple of years ago—in the smallest room of my apartment and was pleased to find it. I packed my sports shoes with a pair of socks into the bag. The next day, I brought the shoe bag to the office and kept it at my workstation so I could easily change into my walking shoes whenever I was able to go to the USM Stadium after work.

In the evening, we gathered at the foyer for a briefing about the virtual run and walk. I asked if there were any restrictions to prevent fully capable participants from signing up for Category A instead of Category B. As it turned out, there were no restrictions, and the choice was left to each individual. After all, the program was meant to be a fun way to encourage staff to stay active and healthy. I playfully made another fuss about it! My goal was not to win top three prize money sponsored by our director, but simply to achieve the minimum required distance.

Besides me, there were two other staff members who experienced pain while walking. One of them suggested creating a separate category for those with walking difficulties. What fun we had right from the start! Despite managing my own depression, I love sharing jokes with my colleagues whenever possible. I am completely comfortable when they tease me and thoroughly enjoy the lighthearted banter. Perhaps these traits help me feel loved, accepted, and respected by everyone in the office, including new team members. After the briefing, I downloaded Strava on my phone to track my progress and began exploring its features.

Over the following days, I started walking inside the office during lunchtime—walking back and forth from the front to the back of the building. When my colleagues saw me, some double-checked if I was truly walking for the competition, while others reminded me to record my progress or asked how many steps I had completed. I made full use of lunchtime to walk while pushing my rollator. I knew I had to take advantage of the opportunity, as I don't often get to walk in spaces suitable for my rollator.

Thank God I had two courses scheduled at the Pusat Transformasi Insan (PTI) during the 15-day challenge period. The first was on Thursday morning, July 2nd, and the second was on Wednesday, July 8th. This gave me the chance to take a long walk from the bus stop beside USM Subaidah to PTI, and then walk back to the bus stop afterward to catch a Grab. On July 8th, I arrived just as the class was starting, so I walked straight inside without checking the sign board next to the entrance. After listening to the instructor for a while, I realized I was in the wrong classroom! I quickly packed my things and walked out. When I asked the staff at the counter, they explained that an email had been sent two days prior informing everyone that the course had been postponed to October. I had missed the email amid my busy life—juggling work responsibilities while caring mentally for my mother who lives with dementia, all alongside my own physical limitations. With a smile, I pushed my rollator back to the bus stop next to Subaidah and took a Grab back to the office.

On the first Friday of the challenge, I headed to the USM Stadium after work. When I arrived by Grab, I noticed a large crowd of primary and secondary school students along with their teachers. I learned they were attending the closing ceremony of the Kejohanan Olahraga Majlis Sukan Sekolah Pulau Pinang (MSSPP) 2026. Even though I felt a bit uncomfortable around such a big crowd, I stuck to my plan, walked into the stadium, and got onto the track. I made a U-turn as I approached the seated crowd who were clapping and waiting for their school or group names to be called for medals. By the end of the session, I had successfully walked about 1.9 km! I planned to return the following Friday evening, but our office was overwhelmed with urgent work all week. I had to go straight home after work, shower, and continue working through Friday night and the weekend to meet a Tuesday deadline. I also made sure to count the steps I walked when I attended Kingdomcity at Level 1 of the Red Rock Hotel on both Sundays.

Despite the heavy workload and tiredness, I successfully walked a total of 5.6 km, surpassing the minimum 5 km requirement! I believe my cumulative distance might have been the shortest among all participating staff, but achieving it meant everything to me.

Later, on Thursday, 6th August 2026, our office held the Program Rekreasi Sukan Bowling IPSC 2026 at the Aspiration Centre on Level 5 of Sunshine Square, Bayan Lepas, from 3:00 p.m. to 5:30 p.m. I attended the event to support my colleagues even though I couldn't bowl. It was delightful to watch their talents and enjoy their playful reactions during the matches.

The prize presentation for the top three winners of each Virtual Run & Walk category was held alongside the prize presentation for the friendly bowling competition. Cash prizes for the Virtual Run & Walk were generously sponsored by our director, Prof. Saidatulakmal, while all five bowling teams received hampers. To my complete surprise, Prof. Saidatulakmal presented me with a special cash prize in recognition of my determination and effort in completing the walk! I was deeply touched and happy, though a little shy, remembering all the playful fuss I had made when the program was first announced in our WhatsApp group.

From Temple Altars to the Cross (Part 2)

Crisis at Home and the Step into Respite

In early March 2022, I sent a message to Angel, a friend and former colleague whom I had known since I began working at USM in 2008. We had worked in the same office for over a decade until she transferred to another department two years prior. I was especially close to her during her time in my office because of her kind nature, and I always felt comfortable asking her for help. Whenever I lacked transportation, she would often drive me home after work, and for a period, she picked me up in the mornings as well. She used to share the gospel with me, though I was uninterested at the time. We also collaborated on several projects. However, after her transfer, I rarely reached out—one of my weaknesses is simply not knowing how to keep in touch casually.

In my message, I asked her how to pray for help; it was the first time I had ever asked her a question like that. I felt helpless and deeply distressed by my mother's persistent unusual beliefs. In her state of distress, she had developed a deep-seated unusual belief about the retired counselor who had been supporting me psychologically. He, together with another female retired counselor, had provided me with endless emotional support throughout my recovery from depression over several years. Moreover, I was still working from home despite being vaccinated, as my job was easily manageable online.

These unusual beliefs were deeply rooted in the decades of domestic violence environment that my mother had endured. Though deeply loving, protective, and devoted to me, her anxiety grew as she aged. She became increasingly worried and impatient with my unintentional awkward movements, especially when assisting me with walking. Moreover, my movement does get worse slowly over the years, and sometimes my tremors worsen until I struggle to feed myself or work on the computer. For years, I had vented about these caregiving challenges to both of my counselors through our supportive WhatsApp chat. But I didn't know how to tell them about my mother's unusual persistent beliefs that directly involved them. The narrative had gone on for over a year, and I had only confided in them a few months prior when I couldn't handle the strain alone anymore.

Suicidal thoughts were becoming much more frequent, accompanied by plans though I tried to remain silent about them. I attempted to pray to Jesus as Angel had taught me, praying off and on.

However, the situation worsened. On Saturday, March 5th, around noon, my mum experienced a severe state of confusion, believing I was having epileptic seizures—something I had been free from since Standard 6. In her frantic attempt to help and stop what she perceived as a seizure, she inadvertently caused significant tissue strain to my mouth and throat. Overwhelmed, I broke down crying at the private clinic and again at the emergency department of the general hospital, leading to a voluntary admission into the psychiatric ward.

I was discharged after four or five days. My mum brought a red t-shirt for me to change into before returning home, mentioning that my female counselor had suggested it, though I felt it was tied to traditional cultural beliefs about places like hospitals, old folks' homes, and funeral services. Unfortunately, I could not cope with the same home environment, especially since my mum's mental state seemed increasingly disorganized and fragile. I was not okay either and still felt an overwhelming level of stress.

For the very first time, I realized I needed to stay somewhere else for a while. However, it seemed impossible because I required assistance with my basic daily activities. Truthfully, I felt a much stronger urge to end my life than to move somewhere new. On the evening of Thursday, March 10th, I broke down crying again and returned to the emergency department. However, the doctor discouraged readmission, advising me instead to return home and use coping strategies, and rescheduled me for an earlier outpatient appointment.

Because I could no longer ask the male counselor for transportation assistance—as he had provided previously—and I was unwilling to risk exposing my friends to COVID-19, I began asking around for a personal assistant who could accompany my mother and me to hospital checkups. A contact was eventually shared with me for someone who coordinated caregiving support. On Saturday, March 12th, the female counselor and her husband took my mother and me for a morning walk to help ease our minds. During our walk, she gently hinted to my mother about my need to stay elsewhere temporarily, which deeply worried my mother.

As the coordinator failed to find a caregiver, on Tuesday, March 15th, he himself transported my mum and me to the hospital and stayed to accompany us. I had another emotional breakdown during the consultation. Hearing about my need for a temporary respite, the coordinator shared that he also ran a nursing home and offered me a place to stay. After a long discussion, I was permitted to stay away from home for just 5 days, and I reluctantly agreed to the short break, even though I knew it wouldn't be enough time.

I moved into the nursing home that evening, choosing an unoccupied twin-sharing room on the first floor right next to the bathroom. Two days later, I recognized that I didn't need to strictly follow the 5-day limit that had been initially agreed upon. While I worried about my mum and how my brother was coping, I realized I had to care for myself first before I could care for my mother—much like the standard safety instructions on an airplane. I informed the nursing home owner of my plan to extend my stay and negotiated the fees, as well as keeping the second bed vacant, since my lifestyle as a disabled working adult differed significantly from the other residents, who were mostly senior citizens or individuals in medical recovery.

Looking back, I realize God had prepared me to step into this new season long before I asked Jesus for help. My participation in an eight-month online training program on Gender-Disability Intersectionalities and Strategic Advocacy, along with Web Accessibility Auditing and Accessible Publishing (organized by ESCAP with the support of the National Council for the Blind, Malaysia, alongside a group of cross-disability peers and allies in 2021), had given me greater confidence to advocate for myself. Additionally, I had obtained the contact information for a former teacher’s brother—an uncle who provided private ride-hailing services and agreed to transport me to and from work for a reasonable fare. (The person who had driven me to work for the past few years had retired.) Though I hadn't contacted him earlier, he became my private driver throughout my year-and-a-half stay at the nursing home. He also drove my mum around during that period, though we unfortunately lost touch with him after I moved back home with my mum.

Steps Toward Independence and Autonomy

The COVID-19 Movement Control Order (MCO) had changed our lives tremendously, forcing most activities online, including shopping. I learned to buy essential items and household supplies through online platforms, especially Shopee. Because my mum fell into a high-risk group, I ordered most things online—from health, beauty, and clothing to groceries, home goods, and food. Previously, my mum and I would take a car to Lotus’s once a month for groceries, and she bought other daily necessities at the Jelutong market or local supermarkets, taking a morning bus to the market vendors and convenience shops.

By 2022, I knew specific Shopee storefronts for our essential items. Following the March 5th incident, I lost a significant amount of weight within a few weeks. When we returned to the office in April 2022 under a hybrid schedule (three days in office, two days working from home), my pants were far too loose. A colleague helped tighten the waistbands by hand-sewing them until I could buy replacements. Thankfully, I easily found suitable work pants on Shopee—my first time buying long pants online—and I remain a regular customer of that shop today. Additionally, a visually impaired friend I met during the 8-month training suggested using Pandamart via Foodpanda for urgent delivery needs, which became another vital tool for me.

Years earlier, I had considered the possibility of my mum and me moving into a suitable senior care facility in the future, for when she could no longer care for me, herself, or our home. Having that thought in mind eased my worries about how I would manage after her eventual passing. I used to wonder if we could ever find a facility that fit our budget and met my mum's meticulous standards. I never imagined God would pave the way in such an unexpected manner, allowing me to experience living in a care facility firsthand when I did.

Despite all the distress and chaos, my two counselor friends remained deeply supportive and understanding. On my third day at the nursing home, one of them took me to shop for essential supplies for my new living arrangement. We visited a nearby medical supply store to look for a rollator. I found a sturdy four-wheel rollator that supported my movement, folded easily, converted into a push-chair, and could be used both indoors and outdoors—something I had dreamed of owning for years. I purchased it for RM900 after a 10% discount and immediately began using it at Lotus’s. With the rollator, I could walk around independently.

On the following day, I was recommended to see a psychologist at a counseling ministry. I felt comfortable with her from our first session, as she respected me as an adult and addressed my need for self-protection. After our second session, I took my very first solo Grab ride to attend an office workshop at a hotel. Anxious about safety—since my mum had always warned me about the dangers of traveling alone as a disabled woman—I asked my psychologist to book the ride on her phone so she could track my location. Previously, my mum had never allowed me to take ride-hailing cars alone, even with our trusted driver; she would ride with me to my office, take a bus back home, and I would have to arrange for a colleague or friend to drive me home after work.

When the workshop ended the next day, I booked and took a Grabcar back to the nursing home entirely on my own. From that point forward, I traveled independently—going grocery shopping, attending medical checkups, and going to therapy whenever my driver was unavailable or when it wasn't practical for him to drive a short distance. Additionally, a friend who was my carpool partner from 2008 to 2015 happened to live near the nursing home, having moved into an apartment there two years prior. Once again, we began commuting to and from work together.

Shadows of Depression and the Search for Meaning

However, my depression did not immediately improve. It was rooted in multiple interconnected factors, including living with Cerebral Palsy, my internal expectations of the responsibilities adults should carry in life, family, career, and society, and my upbringing in a domestic violence environment. Furthermore, transitioning from relying heavily on my mum to living independently brought a massive shift. Even though I was staying at the nursing home with caregivers, I chose to hand-wash my own underwear and socks rather than mixing them into the communal laundry machine—a choice that benefited both myself and the other residents. Once dried by the caregivers, I folded or hung my clothes in the wardrobe myself. At home, my mum handled all the laundry, but living away pushed me to do every activity I was physically capable of doing.

Meanwhile, family dynamics became complex. My mum deeply missed me, and my brother stepped in to support her, occasionally bringing her to stay at his house for a few days or weeks. In the midst of our shared stress, miscommunication arose. I felt hurt being excluded from conversations when he took her to see a private psychiatrist, especially since I had lived with her daily and understood her ongoing conditions best. My brother was trying to address her severe insomnia and distress in his own way, but based on what my mum shared, I worried her full history of mental health struggles was not completely understood by the doctor. When I attempted to offer input or seek additional guidance for her, our differing approaches created tension.

Financially, I managed well—covering the nursing home fees, my housing loan, utility bills, and personal expenses. I continued ensuring my mother had meals, ordering food for her via GrabFood or Foodpanda when she was at my apartment. I spoke with her daily via WhatsApp calls, usually in the mornings before work. She shared her daily life with me, though her recurring unusual beliefs still caused me emotional distress at times. Occasionally, I felt lonely, even though I got along well with the caregivers and several residents.

I began to realize that my spiritual life was practically nonexistent. For four decades, I had focused exclusively on my studies and my career. Consequently, I struggled to find a deeper purpose to keep living, a struggle that had intensified ever since I bought my apartment in 2008 at age 26—a decision driven largely by the intense pressure to step away from a difficult home environment.

When I first moved into the nursing home, Angel and her newly married husband took me to their church, KingdomCity, once or twice. My mum was pleased when they picked me up, hoping Angel might encourage me to return home. My female counselor and her husband also brought me to their church once. However, I felt disengaged during the services. I couldn't understand why believers stood for 15 to 30 minutes singing joyfully and then listening to sermons. At KingdomCity, people even danced and jumped during worship. I was shocked by their form of worship; burdened by heavy stress, my mind was clouded, and I could not feel peace or joy. Additionally, due to my processing speed and auditory challenges with English, I needed extra time to analyze the lyrics word for word to understand the songs.

I considered joining structured weekend Buddhist activities for adults, such as Dharma classes, and looked for temples offering them. Yet, I was hesitant to go. I worried about how I would navigate the space and participate without knowing anyone there. Even if I knew someone, I felt I shouldn't burden them to assist me every weekend, and I questioned whether I could integrate into the community.

After all, based on the Dharma, it is extremely hard for anyone to break the repeated cycle of life—which is full of endless suffering—in order to attain nirvana. We remain in the cycle of birth, old age, illness, and death, followed by rebirth. The cycle goes round and round until all karma, both good and bad, is exhausted. I felt that one lifetime was hard enough. I couldn't see any real lasting pleasure, even when imagining a life with all the money, anything we could want, and days full of leisure and fun. Perhaps my thoughts were clouded by depression. In any case, I didn't want to be reborn after my death. I was struggling enough just to continue living from one day to the next. I hoped to attain nirvana, but it seemed nearly impossible.

My stay at the nursing home did not interrupt my vegetarian diet. On the 1st and 15th days of each lunar month, I gave the caregiver a tin of garden peas or baked beans in tomato sauce to prepare for me, or bought green vegetables to be stir-fried without garlic or onion, eating them with rice for lunch and dinner. For breakfast, I drank red date tea with a bowl of oatmeal instead of milk.

As the 9th Lunar Month approached, I went to Lotus’s to buy new personal items—including a toothbrush, toothpaste, cleaning cloths, a pair of utensils, dish soap, and a storage container. I asked my regular driver to purchase a box of 24 bottled waters, and he brought me brunch and dinner for all 10 days of the strict vegetarian observance. I felt satisfied knowing I could uphold this strict 10-day diet independently without my mother's assistance, proving to her that I could live on my own without compromising my religious dietary commitments.

However, once the excitement and busyness of preparing for and concluding the vegetarian period passed, my depression worsened. One Sunday in October 2022, I remained trapped in bed, covered from head to toe with a zipped bedsheet liner, alternating covering and uncovering myself due to the heat. I had only changed out of my nightgown into a simple t-shirt and shorts to go downstairs briefly for breakfast and a quick lunch. I hadn't showered. Beside me on the bed sat a plastic prescription bottle containing roughly 30 to 50 of my previous antidepressant pills. I held the bottle, wrestling internally over whether to swallow all the pills at once or put the bottle down.

Surrender, Faith, and New Beginnings

In that exact moment, my phone rang. It was Angel, asking if I wanted to join her and her husband, Mark, for the 5:00 PM service at Kingdomcity. We hadn't spoken or messaged in months. After pausing for a minute or two, I agreed. I quickly got out of bed, hid the pill bottle back inside a locked drawer, showered, and prepared before Mark and Angel arrived.

After the service, while we were waiting for the lift, a pastor approached and asked if I wanted to accept Jesus into my life. I shook my head and said no. I believed religion was too fundamental a commitment to change impulsively. I am not easily persuaded in such matters—recalling how my former therapist at the Cerebral Palsy Association of Penang had once worried I might convert to Islam during my university years, and also how I had refrained from joining Soka Gakkai during my final year of study despite initial interest.

On the drive back to the nursing home, I opened up and poured out my pain to Angel. Mark sat quietly at the wheel while I cried and shared my struggles. After I finished, Angel gently asked: "Why not try giving Jesus an opportunity to help you, since you haven't found another way to ease your suffering?" She encouraged me to take my time and consider it.

After two days of reflection, I called Angel and told her I wanted to place my trust in Jesus, asking what I needed to do next. She was overjoyed, having prayed for my salvation for many years. She guided me through a simple prayer of faith over the phone—no elaborate rituals, just a few clear sentences. Two months before my 40th birthday, I became a Christian. Honestly, my initial decision was driven partly by a desire not to disappoint Angel, who had supported me so faithfully. Secretly, I also wondered if God might take me home shortly after I accepted Him, having heard stories of elderly individuals passing away peacefully soon after conversion. I quietly hoped for a similar quick departure from my pain.

The next day, I cut off the protective religious string I had worn on my right wrist for years and discarded it. I removed the small yellow Buddhist amulet from my wallet and eventually threw it away as well. During our daily phone call, I informed my mother of my decision; surprisingly, she accepted it with grace and understanding.

Within a few days, I began worrying about stopping the vegetarian diet I had observed on the 1st and 15th of every lunar month—a practice I had vowed 16 years earlier for my mother's health. I feared that breaking the vow might bring harm to her. Angel reassured me that my mother was safe in God's hands. I set aside the dietary obligation, and my mother remained well—continuing to manage her mild age-related health needs and mental confusion while remaining capable of assisting me with daily activities.

The following Sunday, I began attending services regularly at Kingdomcity. Initially, Mark and Angel picked me up and dropped me off. After a few weeks, I began taking Grab cars independently, pushing my rollator walker from the drop-off point to the church which was previously located at the Level 4. I should not trouble Mark and Angel to come pick me up every Sunday as they served at the church and commuted from the mainland. They would send me back after the services and sometimes they took me for lunch or dinner before dropping me off. Sometimes other church members living near my nursing home would offer me a ride. Over time, I grew to truly enjoy the services—worshipping, listening to sermons, praying, and building friendships within the community, even if remembering names remained a challenge.

Accepting Jesus did not bring an instant, effortless transformation. Life continues to have its share of hardship, ups, and downs, and I continue to navigate living with depression. There have been seasons when I felt disconnected and slowly drifted away from faith, but within a few weeks, I found myself turning back. Each time I return, my relationship with God grows stronger and deeper. My spiritual life has matured significantly, giving me a clear understanding of what a relationship with Christ means. I have no regrets—only gratitude for coming to know God after ignoring Him for nearly 40 years.

A month ago, while Angel was waiting with me for a Grab car after the 5:00 PM service, I asked her how I could share my journey of coming to know Jesus and accepting Him as my Lord and Savior. I used to tell my psychologist that my life felt like a disaster—a continuous nightmare starting in March 2022 and lasting throughout my time at the nursing home. With some encouragement, I finally decided to write down my story to share with all of you.

While I once viewed everything I went through as purely tragic, looking at it through a different lens has changed my perspective. I realize I had the chance to experience many new things during my period of independent living—things I previously thought were impossible or had never even considered. As Isaiah 55:9 reminds us, God’s ways are higher than our ways, and His thoughts are higher than our thoughts. And as expressed in Genesis 50:20, what was intended for harm, God can turn around for His ultimate glory.

From Temple Altars to the Cross (Part 1)

I never thought that I would become a Christian

Early Memories & The Search for Healing

My paternal grandparents had nine sons and two daughters, and my dad is the third child in the family. The only two daughters—my aunts—are Christian, while the rest of the family practiced a combination of Taoism and Buddhism. When I was a young child, my aunts used to bring me to church. I am not entirely sure, but I do remember them bringing me to an event where prayers were offered for the sick and those with mobility challenges. My younger aunt especially asked me to pray before sleeping, and she would ask me if I practiced night prayers every time we met. I only prayed once in a while when I remembered, but out of fear of her, I lied and said I prayed every night. After some time, I told her the truth and stopped praying altogether.

I was the only child with a disability in both my paternal and maternal families until I was 14 years old, when my dad’s second brother had his fourth and youngest son, who was born with learning disabilities. As a child with cerebral palsy (CP), my parents took me to various temples to seek healing. Whenever someone recommended a deity famous for healing, my parents would give it a try if the location was reachable by motorbike. I can still remember being taken to a temple at midnight every week when I was about five years old. At that time, my parents were helping out at my dad’s fourth brother's kopitiam (coffee shop), where we also stayed, and the temple was nearby. I was also dedicated to Kuan Yin at a very young age for protection, good health, and a smooth upbringing under her guardianship. My mum especially made it a point to visit the Kuan Yin temple during her three primary festival days (the 19th day of the 2nd, 6th, and 9th lunar months) to offer thanks and refresh my protective energy. She continued this practice until 2021, and I would sometimes accompany her.

When I was in Form 3, I asked to try a temple myself after my mum’s eldest brother told us about it. After dinner, my uncle and aunt would pick up my mum and me two or three times a week to go there. A medium at the temple would pray over my water bottle. I drank the blessed water daily, and my mum kept filling the bottle before it ran dry. I felt a psychological improvement when I suddenly tried to step up and down a curb without holding onto anything, and I succeeded! However, we stopped going after a few months. That was the first and last time I personally chose to seek healing for my disability through a spiritual medium.

After my first two suicide attempts in 2001, I was taken to several temples for healing and spiritual cleansing, even after my family was informed that my distress was caused by exposure to domestic violence. Relatives and friends introduced these temples and accompanied my mum and me to them. During this time, I was not allowed to take the medication prescribed by my psychiatrist. That was also the year I began practicing a strictly vegetarian diet for ten days during the Nine Emperor Gods Festival in the ninth lunar month, as requested by one of the temples. I ended up enjoying this ten-day vegetarian practice every year for over 20 years. I remember how my Malay classmate, Kak Jameyah, would go to the roadside vegetarian stall every day to buy food for me during those ten days in my first year at USM. In my third year, my roommate Mun, who is Christian, would cycle to the stall outside USM to buy my daily vegetarian meals.

There was another temple my mum strongly believed in, which she visited whenever issues arose regarding our health or well-being. She would return with small red packets of religious powder or rectangular yellow talisman papers. She would pray and mix the powder with drinking water, then feed me three teaspoons or ask us to drink it three times before dabbing the water onto our foreheads and bodies. For the talisman papers, she would burn them, mix the ashes in a cup of water, and use it for drinking and wiping. My mum only stopped visiting this temple after the passing of the elderly lady who ran it and her son, who had the ability to perceive and interact with the spiritual realm.

I wore a protective string on my right wrist, which I first received from a temple and later renewed at the Maharama Buddhist Temple on Kampar Road. I cannot recall whether I started wearing it after my suicide attempts or years before. I began visiting the Kampar Road temple in Form 1 because it was close to my secondary school, SMK Sri Mutiara. My mum, who cycled me to school, would often stop by the temple with me to pray before classes. Additionally, another aunt brought me a small yellow cloth bearing an image of Buddha after my suicide attempts. I kept this protective cloth inside my wallet and carried it everywhere. Every year, weeks before Chinese New Year, my mum and I would visit the temple to reserve a devotional lamp inscribed with our Chinese names to be lit on the first day of the New Year.

Family Altars, Vows & Cultural Roots

When my mum fell critically ill with a subarachnoid hemorrhage shortly after I finished my studies at USM, she was scheduled for a coiling procedure. My cousin—my mum’s eldest sister’s daughter—took me to the Kampar Road Buddhist Temple to pray. There, I made a vow to observe a vegetarian diet on the 1st and 15th days of every lunar month for as long as my mum recovered and lived. I began the diet the very next day. The procedure was successful, and my mum made a full recovery. A few years later, I also began observing a vegetarian diet on Kuan Yin’s three special feast days.

In December 2006, I met a man with CP who was a PhD graduate from UPM (Universiti Putra Malaysia) while attending our annual National Seminar on CP in Johor. A few days after returning home, we started keeping in touch via SMS and Yahoo Messenger. I was thrilled to chat with him and looked forward to his messages every day. Our connection felt like it was growing quickly. However, I also felt a deep sense of sadness because we did not share the same faith. I felt it would be impossible for me to convert from Buddhism to Christianity for him. What would happen to my mum, especially when she passed away, if I abandoned Buddhism and Taoism? How would I honor her and perform ancestor prayers? As it turned out, I had misinterpreted our relationship and overthought things—it was my first time experiencing such feelings, but we were ultimately just friends.

When I was in Standard 1, my family moved back to my paternal grandparents' house due to financial constraints. My eldest uncle and his family had just moved into their new home, leaving two other uncles living with us until I reached secondary school. My grandparents lived at my fourth uncle’s plant nursery, and my grandmother only moved back to the main house when the nursery closed in 2020.

My mum was the one who performed the daily household prayers. Four deities were enshrined in my grandparents' house: Thi Kong (the Jade Emperor or Lord of Heaven), Tua Pek Kong (Grand Uncle), Chau Kun King (the Kitchen God), and Tee Chu Kong (the Lord of the Land). When my grandfather passed away after I completed Standard 3, an ancestor tablet was placed near Tua Pek Kong to honor him. Every morning, my mum would burn incense for each deity and the ancestor tablet. She would also light candles and offer tea and fruit on the 1st and 15th days of the lunar calendar.

I only prayed to all four deities during Chinese New Year, usually on the first day. Standing before each shrine, I would press my palms together, move them gently up and down, and quietly ask for good health and peace. On ordinary days, I would pray to my late grandfather in the same manner, though during special prayer occasions, my mum would help me hold and offer lighted incense.

I also participated in the Pai Thi Kong celebration during the early morning of the 9th day of the Lunar New Year. We held a grand celebration at my paternal grandparents' house, where most of my uncles, aunts, and cousins gathered to pray. We set out elaborate offerings on large tables in the front yard: chicken, duck, eggs, one or two roast pigs, dried vegetables, fruits, and traditional kuih. Sugarcane stalks were tied to both sides of the front table. Prayers began around midnight and continued until 1:00 AM, when my family burned Gold Joss Paper (Kim Chua). That night, the loud crackle of firecrackers and fireworks echoed all across Penang. After the ritual, my family carved the roast pig to share with neighbors, relatives, and friends. We would then cook mee suah (longevity noodles), and everyone stayed to enjoy the noodles with boiled eggs and roast pork. I only went to bed after eating my bowl of mee suah.

While studying at USM, I could not return home for the celebration. Instead, I would step outside my hostel, press my palms together, and pray quietly for a few minutes—my own unique way of observing Pai Thi Kong. Later, when my mum and I moved into our own apartment, we continued this tradition by praying together through our living room window while watching the fireworks light up the Penang sky. The next morning, my mum would take five types of fruit and her folded Joss Paper to the temple for formal prayers.

Decades of Buddhist Devotion

Looking back, I practiced Buddhism much more than Taoism. When I entered Form 5, our school welcomed a new principal, a Datin whose name I no longer recall. She introduced daily morning assemblies before class instead of weekly ones. Each assembly began with a prayer led by a Malay student, followed by announcements. She also distributed printed cards featuring the standard daily Pali chant, the Tisarana ("The Three Refuges" or "The Triple Gem"), and encouraged those Buddhist students to chant it silently in our hearts during the morning prayer. I kept the card in my wallet and disciplined myself to recite the chant daily until the three verses became second nature to me.

In Form 4 and Form 5 Sejarah (History), every student learned the fundamentals of Malaysia's major religions: Islam, Christianity, Buddhism, and Hinduism. That was where I gained a formal understanding of Buddhism. I wished to attend Buddhist Sunday School, but my physical disability and lack of transportation prevented me. As a result, I self-studied Buddhism throughout my university years and working life. My close friend Kak Jameyah and I even chose a topic related to Buddhism for a university coursework assignment, comparing aspects of Islam and Buddhism.

Over the years, I completed several online Buddhism courses, listened to Hokkien Dharma talks by a monk, and read books brought home by my brother or given by friends. However, my engagement was often inconsistent when practicing alone. I would start an activity with great enthusiasm, gradually slow down, and eventually stop, only to resume months or years later. This inconsistency was a personal struggle, though my commitment to the vegetarian observances remained steadfast.

During the COVID-19 pandemic, as many organizations moved online, I joined a Buddhist group that hosted weekly talks. In addition to completing a six-week course, I participated in their online Chinese New Year programs either in 2021 or 2022 while working fully from home.

Looking Ahead to Part 2

So, how did I end up converting to Christianity after nearly 40 years of practicing Buddhism and Taoism? Follow my next post to find out!

A quick note: From this post onward, I’m using AI to help refine my writing and express my thoughts more clearly.

The Alpha Changes Me

I have completed the 10-weeks of Alpha course which was the first held by my church KingdomCity starting from 3rd May 2026 to last Sunday 5th July 2026. Unbelievable I have shown positive changes in myself throughout the sessions.

The changes included:-

• Active participating during the group discussion - sharing lots during most of discussions I have never been so active in group discussion.
• Start writing and sharing my stories and views on Facebook. Also creating awareness on disabilities through Facebook. I had stopped doing them for several years. I just think to record all my sharing on my blog which I left idle for years.
• I have more confident to write using English. Previously I mostly wrote in Bahasa Malaysia except someone helped with editing. I notice my writing in English has shown improvement. Perhaps my perfectionism or my worries about what people may think about me has been reduced. So far I do not use any AI to help edit my whole writing which I have posted.
• Start sharing testimony which previously I worried and wondered is the story considered as testimony or not
• Ideas, topics and stories to be written and shared just come to my mind one by one
• Joining back our weekly city prayer via zoom, as I stopped joining since I had been admitted, 6 weeks in the psychiatry ward in the middle of last year. It’s because my new medication which is taken at night makes me fall asleep once I take it, and I can't take it late as I might have difficulty waking up early the next morning. (Our weekly prayer has changed into morning since July which is from Monday 8pm to Tuesday 6am, and I have successfully: woke up earlier joining the prayer for the last two weeks)
• Last month I attended the KingdomCity Global Prayer Night which is held once every 8 weeks. I love attending the two-hours prayer but stopped going since my admission last year due to the medication. Now the medication no longer has power over my participation in the church prayer activity.
• Do think of giving talks or sharing stories with the specific groups of people especially students in motivating them (hopefully will do it)
• Do think of giving talks sharing knowledge on the topics related to disabilities with specific group of people in creating an inclusive society. (hopefully will do it)
  *I think this is the society that God wishes we would live in.

Most changes listed above come after I had asked God what else He wants me to do since He still doesn't want to take me home last May (as what I have shared earlier). I would say God has been working in me tremendously since I have joined the Alpha course. My psychologist is happy with my changes and she also has the same thought that God had worked in me, changing me.

Our Alpha course 2nd cycle will start this coming Sunday 19th July 2026. Please take note that this course is not for Christian only, but for everyone, especially those who have questions about life (what is life all about). Don't worry that you would be asked to believe in Jesus. This is your choice as God gives us free will. I learn, and the most important thing is that the Alpha course has changed me a lot which I had never thought about.

Those are interested to join, just Click Here to register.