God, What Good that I Bring to Others?

On the 13th May, I went for a course ‘Penulisan Kertas Kerja Berimpak’ at Pusat Transformasi Insan (PTI) USM. As USM staff, we are required to collect an amount of CPD (Continuous Professional Development) points annually through various courses mainly run by the department. I took Grab from my house and went down from the Grab at the bus stop next to the Subaidah USM. Then I walked by using my rollactor for quite a distance to PTI. I walked on the pavement, went down a gentle slope, walked along the walkway and then climbed down a few steps. The PTI is located next to the steps.

I met some friends and USM staffs came from various departments around USM. We had breakfast together there. As any other places, there were people just help me whenever I need. I listened to the talk from the speaker and also the sharing from some participants.

It was the half-day course which ended around 12.30pm. So, we went back to our office continued working after lunch break.

Whenever I have course there, I am usually happy for having the opportunity walking outside independently for a distance, taking the fresh air. Then I usually will take the opportunity to have a meal or drink alone at the Subaidah. I seldom have such opportunities going for a walk or have a meal outside myself, trying to communicate with other people, asking help when needed. However, in the same time, I do have feeling down a bit sitting together with the able-bodied staffs, perceiving that they are so good, capable, knowledgeable, productive, compare to myself.

After finishing my fresh orange juice plus the another glass of ice water, I booked and took grab back to my office. Even through I did feel happy being independent, I feel exhausted. Then the ‘talking snake’ (based on Genesis 3) inside me start its talking, said that I am just a liability to other, rather than an assets. I am tired. I am tired with my life. God, why You still don’t want to take my life back? God, please just take me home. I have no idea how many times I have asked the question to God, and there is greater number of times I make the appeal to God. I think it would be hundreds, perhaps thousands times throughout my life.

Then, I asked God, what good that I bring to others. What else You want me to do as You still don’t want take my life yet? I am just a burden to others as I need help in numerous daily activities. I am tired especially physically. I often view myself as someone who seem in 40+ years old mentally, but in 70+ or 80+ years old physically/ strength and just below 10 years old, perhaps 5 years old in term of physical capability.

Just in a few days, on the Sunday 17th May, Brother Ricky who was sitting at the same table with me during the discussion in Alpha Course, suddenly said something to me. He told me that he often take me as an example/ model for his children when they are lazy come to church. He will tell them how much effort I take.. taking Grab come to church despite my disability. Yes, I felt God has answered me through Brother Ricky. Sometime such sharing is important to me, even through the ‘talking snake’ inside me may speak much louder, even with the facts to me.